Wednesday, November 24, 2010

A Poem of a Post

Dear Readers,

In a previous post, I mentioned the possibility of posting some of my old poetry here if you were interested. I had one or two requests that I do so, and so here we go. In my junior year of high school I was inducted into the National Honor Society. As part of the induction ceremony we had to compose something that said a bit about who we were. Being the poet I was, it was natural for me to write a poem. So, here's an idea of who I was when I was 16.

At six a.m. I'm on my way,
It's the start of another day,
Band, geometry, physics to do,
Phys. Ed, english, and history, too,
Lunch is an hour of calmness and rest,
Unless I have homework, then it's all stress.

After the bell, I've got places to go,
Practices, meetings, and all that you know,
Leave campus at six, maybe even seven o'clock,
Smelling of sweat and blackboard chalk,
An hour or three with homework and friends,
Then on to bed, and do it all again.

But below this entire, hectic day,
My real feelings are there, kept at bay,
My soul is a deep and flowing sea,
Not many people know the real and true me,
But, you see, there are those who do,
They are the ones that I know, too.

They know my soul, gentle and kind,
They know how to reach the depths of my mind,
They know my courage and silent strength,
The beliefs and morals I can discuss at length,
The changes and hardships I've been through,
And how it hardly ever makes me blue.

How I can sit for hours and just think,
And all the while I almost never blink,
They know that I can be a ditz,
And just how my brain goes on the blitz,
They know my devotion to all that I do,
My writing, my music, my religion, too.

All of this is rolled into one,
The worries, the fears, and mostly the fun,
Mostly I laugh, sometimes I cry,
Right now I am living, one day I will die,
Rebecca is a person in a life full of love,
That maybe one day you'll be part of.

Riviting, right?
~Your Lonely Dreamer

Friday, November 12, 2010

Things I Love About Utah #2

Dear Readers,

In Phoenix it's very rare to be amazed and awed by the changing colors that we all associate with fall. Here, the very opposite is true. My roommates are getting very tired of hearing me exclaim about the beautiful fall foliage. (My 'f'' is sticking on my keyboard, so that last part was difficult to type!) I got so excited about actually seeing red, yellow and orange on the trees that I started taking pictures and thought I'd share them with you all. :)

~The Lonely Dreamer

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

With This Ring...

Dear Readers,

It amazes me how much a material possession can mean to a person. How much history and emotion can be stored in a tiny circle of metal and stone. When it was given to me it was symbol of love and a promise of forever. It was proof that I was good enough. That after years of waiting it had finally been decided that I was good enough for forever. And my dreams were coming true.

And then it became a reminder of the lies. Of the pain. Of the broken promises. It was a circle of bad memory that sat in drawers and boxes and haunted me. I knew that I needed to get rid of it. And when things got tough I resolved every time to sell it. And sabotaged every single attempt. Slept too late or ran out of time. Posted it online and left out key information so that no one would inquire about it. Yesterday I actually made it all the way into a pawn shop. Telling myself that I was finally getting rid of it. But not unless I could get at least half its original cost. Once again making it impossible to be rid of it.

Until I gave up. I broke down in tears in the middle of the pawn shop and sold it. And cried. For longer than I should have. And then went and bought myself lunch. Filled my car up with gas. Tomorrow I plan to get the oil changed in my car and buy some groceries.

That's what that piece of metal and stone means now. It's help out of a desperate situation. It's a way to and from work, a way to see my friends. A way to feed myself.

And somehow the memory of the haunting is still haunting me.

Feeling emotionally torn,
Your Lonely Dreamer

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Today My Life Is Awesome!

Dear Readers,

I realized the other day that I had figured out a way to both love my life and hate it at the same time. And then my friend Jack pointed out that I always seem so sad on my blogs. Well, today has been a great day, so I thought I'd write and tell you about it.

As you may know, I've been really struggling with my finances. Since moving to Utah the only job I had been able to get was part-time at Bath and Body Works. I love this job, and I'm good at it. But part-time at barely over minimum wage is not even close to being enough to pay all of my bills. So I've been trying, unsuccessfully, to find a second job. And then to top it all off, we were asked to leave our place of residence. So not only was I looking for a job, but I was worrying about finding one that paid enough to be able to make rent. And actually getting accepted for an apartment on my meager wages. My beautiful roommate Megan came home the other day and told me that they were hiring at her job at Dollar Tree. She brought me an application, so I filled it out and turned it in. I got a call yesterday, and they hired me on the spot. And so job #2 is secure, at least for now. It may not be glamorous, but it's money in the bank. I'm listed as a temporary employee, but that is subject to change. While I was at work today Megan and my other roomie (Megan's sis) Angela went and turned in our applications for our apartment. And thanks to their amazing mother, who agreed to co-sign for us, we were approved! My two jobs combined still won't be enough for me to live comfortably, but it'll be quite a bit better.

But even through the stresses of finding housing and work, which made me hate life, I had my friends. Honestly, this is what makes me love my life.

My roommates are two of the best people I have ever known. They've been with me through these tough times, and many others, and have never turned their backs.

Since moving to Utah I have been able to spend a lot more time with my beautiful and amazing friend, Joanna. We don't get to see each other as often as we would like, since we still live about an hour away from one another and life gets in the way. But I've seen her more in the last three months than I had in the three years previous. It's like feeling a piece of my soul returned home.

And yet, pieces are still out there in the world. I talk to my oldest (as in "known the longest" not "older than dirt") best friend almost every day online. Sometimes it's like we could just run next door and borrow a cup of sugar from each other.

I've made new friends already here, and they give me something to look forward to every week. Not only because I get to sit and watch Glee as it actually airs, but because I get to spend time with Jack, Brian, Mesun, Wendy, and all the other Gleeks who show up on Tuesday. A big thanks goes out to those guys for letting me into your lives. You're awesome!

And I have so many other friends that love and care about me, and that I love and care about that I could sit here and type for hours and not list them all. If you've ever commented on this blog, you're on the list. If you've ever read this blog, you're there. Have you commented on one of my FaceBook statuses? Then I list you, as well. Ever left a prayer on my voicemail because I've been on your mind? You know you're on the list. And the list is so much longer than the people who fall into those categories. I am loved, but more importantly, I LOVE. And that's what truly keeps me going. Keeps me smiling. Keeps me breathing.

When I'm With You I'm Not So Lonely,
~The Dreamer

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Reasons My Job Search Sucks!

Dear Readers,

In no particular order...

  • There's nothing like filling out the "Special Skills and Achievements" section of an application to make you realize that you have none.
  • We found at least 2 places today that had signs posted exclaiming "Now Hiring!" or "Join Our Team!" and directing us to the company website. When you visit the site you are informed that there are no positions available within 100 miles, and if you choose to fill out an application anyway (to be considered when a position opens) you get a rejection email within seconds of hitting the "Submit" button.
  • I find these personality assessment quizzes ridiculous! Either they ask you the same 5 or 6 questions over and over again for an hour (sometimes worded differently, sometimes not) or they are blatantly accusatory and hostile. I actually had one question ask me "How much have you taken from a job, other than basic office supplies?" and then give me a multiple choice! Seriously?!?
  • Why isn't there a generic job application that you can fill out once, photocopy and then turn in? They all ask the same damn questions and have the same damn disclaimers. Why do I have to get writer's cramp and chip my nail polish filling these things out? Why do I even bother making up a resume? No one ever reads it anyway.
  • No one is hiring! And the places that are have such a deep pool of applicants to pull from that I never even have a chance.
Yeah, that's the list ... for now. My brain has turned to mush and sitting here trying to think of things is just pissing me off all over again.

Destitute and Desperate,
~Your Lonely Dreamer

Saturday, October 2, 2010

To Thine Ownself Be True

Dear Readers,

On Wednesday night I got to go see Hamlet by Mr. William Shakespeare with my awesome roommate Angela. This is one of the things I love about having a theater major as a roommate. As a theater major it's required that the students see a certain number of plays throughout the semester, and sometimes even specific ones. So this week Angela had to go see Hamlet at the Pioneer Memorial Theater and since she gets student priced tickets it was actually affordable!

For a Shakespeare lover, I've read surprisingly few of his plays. Mostly I've just read the ones I've performed in. I knew the story of Hamlet going in, but had never read or seen the play before. I had always wondered how anyone could realistically portray the character of Hamlet. He has such incredible depth, and such a range of emotion in such a short time. Kenneth Branagh did an amazing job on film, but film is so very different from the stage.

The actor playing Hamlet at PMT was phenomenal! I actually almost cried during the curtain call. And Ophelia? Outstanding! I never realized that Polonius was a comic character. I never realized that some of the phrases I've grown up with are actually lines from this play! "To thine ownself be true" is the one coming to mind currently. I wish I could remember more to write about, but I was so entranced for the entire 3 hours that it's all a haze of emotion. Plus, we went on Wednesday and I've slept a lot since then.

I would tell you all to get in your cars and go see it right now, but tonight was sadly the last performance. Oh, and another thing. The exit signs there are purple! Yes, purple! That makes me happy.

Focusing on the positive in order to stay alive,
Your Lonely Dreamer

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Why This Week Has Not Rocked...

Dear Readers,

If you remember, my last post was all about how excited I was to be able to watch my TV shows that have come back this week. That plan turned into an epic fail. You see...

We live with K and S, who are the aunt and uncle of my beautiful roommates. K works from home, and needs the internet to do so. He discovered that our network was interfering with his network (since they're hooked up to the same internet) and so he cut us off. We have no internet. I'm losing my effing mind!!

I've been unable to watch my shows. Thank goodness for Hulu keeping them queued up for me. I've been unable to look for and apply for work. I haven't been able to check Facebook or the news. No random 'internet ninja' searches. My computer has actually been turned off for 24 hours. Right now I'm at a friend's house who is kind enough to let me sign on to her network so that I can catch up with the world. I've missed you!

~Your Lonely Dreamer

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Why I'm Determined to Make This Week Rock!!

Dear Readers,

Personally, I'm struggling with lots of issues right now. My financial situation absolutely and completely blows. I'm gonna have to count pennies to have enough gas to get to work and back tomorrow. My father's health is deteriorating. He and I have never had a good relationship and I'm trying to figure out a way to positively re-connect with him before it's too late. I just found out tonight that my grandmother's health is also very poor. She visited the doctor today because she's been feeling ill. The doctor was unable to find anything wrong with her, but said she's fading fast and asked if she had all her paperwork in order. Yikes! How on Earth am I going to be able to make it to Texas for funerals if it comes to that (cross my fingers, knock on wood, pray to God that it doesn't) when I can't even get to work?

But this week is going to be awesome! I've decided. You see, I'm a television junkie. I love TV! And this week is the kick off of the Fall Season!

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Dancing With The Starts started last night! I discovered DWTS last season, mainly because I wanted to watch Kate Gosselin. But now I just love the show. I don't have a favorite so far this season (it's only been one episode!) but I think Jennifer Grey (from Dirty Dancing fame) is a contender!

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Tonight, my friend Jack threw a party for the season premier of Glee. We all crowded into his adorable apartment, ate cupcakes (in homage to the episode Wheels), drank grape slushies (because glee kids are always getting slushie facials) and Gleeked out!! I had so much fun, even if the episode wasn't as spectacular as we'd all hoped it would be. To read Jack's "Gleek Critique" of tonight's episode go here.

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Thursday is another great night of television premiers! Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice both had me sobbing my eyes out at last year's season finales and I can't wait to find out what everyone is up to. They all have some serious healing to do! I'll be there healing and crying with them every single week. I've watched both shows since the very beginning and I feel kinda like they're family. The Office is just plain old fun! Although it's really sad that this will be Michael Scott's (Steve Carell) last season! I'm having a very hard time imagining what it will be like without him.

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Sunday brings back another show I discovered last year. The Amazing Race is about teams of people who race around the world completing ridiculous tasks to win money. So fun! I've thought about going on it myself, but there's no way I could complete the food and physical challenges, so I'd be out the first week!

See, told you I was addicted! And these are just the shows that are starting this week. I watch lots of other shows that are either in the off-season right now, or have already started. Plus, on Saturday, I'm planning to go to Springville and play some GURPS with my girls. (Yes, I'm a gamer nerd.) And I've decided that the joy of my old trusty TV friends coming back and getting together with my sisters in nerd-dom will be enough to off-set the other crap going on in my life. And when I decide something, it happens. Unless Life decides that I'm full of crap and that it knows better. Then things will go the way Life decides and I'll be back here complaining about it. Until then...

These are the Reflections of,
Your Lonely Dreamer

Friday, September 17, 2010

Glancing at my Last Post...

... has me thinking one thing. Proofread, Proofread, Proofread!

And now I'm thinking that 'proofread' is a very strange looking word!

Thursday, September 16, 2010


Dear Readers,

Well, here we are. Day 2 of having this blog, and I have writer's block. I'm asking myself what to write about tonight. Asking what my loyal readers would want to read about. And then I decided.


But, what about me? So, for lack of a better idea, I'm going to post a list of things you may or may not know about me. How long a list? I have no idea. I'll type til I run out of things to say, then probably keep writing til the list is a nice round even number (cause I'm OCD like that.) And, without further ado...

1. My full name is Rebecca Lea Hackett Lisor. Hackett is my maiden name. I'm trying to decided if I want to change it back to my maiden name when my divorce is final, leave it as it is, or make up something entirely new and different. My middle name is pronounced Lee. It's the same as my mother's middle name, and when my grandmother gave it to her everyone said it was pronounce Leah. My NaNa told everyone she could spell it B-I-L-L and it would still be pronounced LEE if she wanted it to be! :)

2. I'm in the process of divorcing the man I dated for 9 years, was married to for 5 months, and have been separated from for 3 years. And when I say in the process, I mean I'm waiting for him to get off his lazy ass, finish the paperwork and send it to me!

3. I have 3 tattoos. The first is a fairy on my ankle. She has her knees drawn up and her hair is covering her face. I love it because you can't tell what she's feeling. Is she crying? Thinking? Sleeping? Laughing? And yes, her feet are missing. I like to say that it means she's grounded, and yet retains the ability to fly.

The second is a turtle on my shoulder blade. The ex and I got matching tats after our honeymoon in Hawaii. Mine isn't easy to see, but his on his calf muscle. Anytime he's in shorts, in the shower, or fooling around with the home-wrecking bitch he has to see his. If you know where to look, and look carefully, our anniversary date is hidden in the coloring.

And third, I have three stars on my inner right wrist. I have 3 nephews that were born just shortly after The Split, as I refer to it. Those boys were the only thing that got me up off the couch, eating, and living some semblance of a life again. This tattoo honors them. People often confuse it with a band-aid on my wrist, which I think is appropriate. I never actually considered suicide during some of the darkest days of my life, but I love the symbolism of the boys being the band-aid that saved my life.

4. I have the most amazing mother! She raised my sister and I by herself (even when my abusive, addicted father was around he wasn't any help.) And now she's helping my sister raise her sons. I love, Love, LOVE my mom! She really is one of my best friends.

5. I used to play bass guitar for a band in college. Sounds cool, huh? Yep, until you realize that I never wrote any of my own music. Our singer/songwriter/guitarist also wrote the guitar and bass parts. I just did what I was told. I did write lyrics for a couple of songs, but they weren't good enough to make it on our CD. Yes, we made a CD. But just because we were all splitting up and moving away and we wanted a keepsake of our music.

6. I graduated 5th in my high school class. Again, impressive, right? Until I tell you that my class was made up of 32 students!

7. I used to be a poet. I'd like to be one again. When I was in high school I wrote poetry as easily as I spoke. If anyone is interested, perhaps I'll post some here. As an adult, though, I've finished very few poems. I get ideas for them that haunt me until I write them down. I'll start to compose the poem, get stuck or have to put it down, and then never come back to it. I'm working on fixing it though.

8. I feel like my brain is dying. I feel like I used to be a whole lot smarter than I am now. I don't know if it has something to do with the people I spend time with being smarter now, so I'm dumber by comparison, or if my brain is just getting slow from lack of use. I'd really love to wake it up again. I keep talking about reading and studying Shakespeare again, but am generally much more motivated when other people are doing things with me. No one is very interested in analyzing Shakespeare and so I have to motivate myself, which is something I suck at.

9. I love the theater! Walking into a place where a play is being produced is like coming home. It doesn't actually even have to be theater. The community theater group I was involved in in Phoenix met, rehearsed, and performed in local churches. But picking up a script, rehearsing, memorizing, doing sets, costumes, makeup.... all of it! I miss it terribly.

And now, dear readers, we are at the point where I don't know what else to write, but cannot finish this without a 10th thing on the list. I told ya it would happen! ... A-ah! Got one!

10. I love to make up words, or call things by names other than those normal society has given them. For example, my cell phone is called my hello. I've actually said "I left my hello in the car." The past tense of snow is snew. As in "It snew 4 inches yesterday!" (Blow = blew. Know = knew. And so forth.) The things outside in your lawn that squirt water to keep the grass green? Those a spinkers.

And now you're all wondering why the hell you've bothered to read through this dribble. Or if it's actually worth being friends with such a weirdo. But remember, without me you would have spent the last few minutes bored instead of reading my inane ramblings. Or, you would have spent them doing some productive and my little list here was the break you poor brain needed. Either way, you love me for it!

Your Lonely Dreamer

Things I Love About Utah #1

Dear Readers,

I love Stephen's Gourmet Hot Cocoa!! It's the best hot chocolate on the planet, and can only be found in Utah. (Ok, that last bit's not entirely true. But it's very very hard to find in Arizona, which is the only other place I've looked.) And, the fact that I'm drinking some tonight, in September, is amazing. In Hot-As-Hell Land (also known as Phoenix, AZ) even thinking about a hot drink at this time of year is enough to make you sweat.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010


Dear Readers,

I hate it when people comment things like "First!" on Facebook and Myspace. They may do it on Twitter and other social networks as well, but I don't use those, so I don't know. But seriously, if you don't actually have a comment on the posting, then don't say anything at all! We don't care if you're "first"... especially since 12 other people are posting the exact same word at the exact same time!

:Rant Over:

So, here we are. My first blog. I've been feeling more and more lately that my brain is just too full. Lots of difficult things going on, and to write about it makes me feel better. And one day I'll look back on these postings and think "Wow, you whiny little cry-baby. It wasn't that bad." I remember finding a diary from high school and reading through it. I found an entry lamenting the fact that I had accidentally spilled Mt. Dew on my CDs the night before and wondering if they'd ever work again. They did. A little warm water and a washcloth and they were as good as new. And here we are 10 years later and I don't even listen to CDs anymore (not often, anyway.) 

But, I digress.

But a warning to anyone who might be reading this: It may get down right depressing at times. As this is as place for me to vent my frustrations and worries, as well as keep anyone who cares informed about what is going on in my life, it get may get difficult to read. But I'll do my best to make it entertaining in the process.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, concludes the first ramble and reflections of your Lonely Dreamer,