Tuesday, October 19, 2010

With This Ring...

Dear Readers,

It amazes me how much a material possession can mean to a person. How much history and emotion can be stored in a tiny circle of metal and stone. When it was given to me it was symbol of love and a promise of forever. It was proof that I was good enough. That after years of waiting it had finally been decided that I was good enough for forever. And my dreams were coming true.

And then it became a reminder of the lies. Of the pain. Of the broken promises. It was a circle of bad memory that sat in drawers and boxes and haunted me. I knew that I needed to get rid of it. And when things got tough I resolved every time to sell it. And sabotaged every single attempt. Slept too late or ran out of time. Posted it online and left out key information so that no one would inquire about it. Yesterday I actually made it all the way into a pawn shop. Telling myself that I was finally getting rid of it. But not unless I could get at least half its original cost. Once again making it impossible to be rid of it.

Until I gave up. I broke down in tears in the middle of the pawn shop and sold it. And cried. For longer than I should have. And then went and bought myself lunch. Filled my car up with gas. Tomorrow I plan to get the oil changed in my car and buy some groceries.

That's what that piece of metal and stone means now. It's help out of a desperate situation. It's a way to and from work, a way to see my friends. A way to feed myself.

And somehow the memory of the haunting is still haunting me.

Feeling emotionally torn,
Your Lonely Dreamer

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Today My Life Is Awesome!

Dear Readers,

I realized the other day that I had figured out a way to both love my life and hate it at the same time. And then my friend Jack pointed out that I always seem so sad on my blogs. Well, today has been a great day, so I thought I'd write and tell you about it.

As you may know, I've been really struggling with my finances. Since moving to Utah the only job I had been able to get was part-time at Bath and Body Works. I love this job, and I'm good at it. But part-time at barely over minimum wage is not even close to being enough to pay all of my bills. So I've been trying, unsuccessfully, to find a second job. And then to top it all off, we were asked to leave our place of residence. So not only was I looking for a job, but I was worrying about finding one that paid enough to be able to make rent. And actually getting accepted for an apartment on my meager wages. My beautiful roommate Megan came home the other day and told me that they were hiring at her job at Dollar Tree. She brought me an application, so I filled it out and turned it in. I got a call yesterday, and they hired me on the spot. And so job #2 is secure, at least for now. It may not be glamorous, but it's money in the bank. I'm listed as a temporary employee, but that is subject to change. While I was at work today Megan and my other roomie (Megan's sis) Angela went and turned in our applications for our apartment. And thanks to their amazing mother, who agreed to co-sign for us, we were approved! My two jobs combined still won't be enough for me to live comfortably, but it'll be quite a bit better.

But even through the stresses of finding housing and work, which made me hate life, I had my friends. Honestly, this is what makes me love my life.

My roommates are two of the best people I have ever known. They've been with me through these tough times, and many others, and have never turned their backs.

Since moving to Utah I have been able to spend a lot more time with my beautiful and amazing friend, Joanna. We don't get to see each other as often as we would like, since we still live about an hour away from one another and life gets in the way. But I've seen her more in the last three months than I had in the three years previous. It's like feeling a piece of my soul returned home.

And yet, pieces are still out there in the world. I talk to my oldest (as in "known the longest" not "older than dirt") best friend almost every day online. Sometimes it's like we could just run next door and borrow a cup of sugar from each other.

I've made new friends already here, and they give me something to look forward to every week. Not only because I get to sit and watch Glee as it actually airs, but because I get to spend time with Jack, Brian, Mesun, Wendy, and all the other Gleeks who show up on Tuesday. A big thanks goes out to those guys for letting me into your lives. You're awesome!

And I have so many other friends that love and care about me, and that I love and care about that I could sit here and type for hours and not list them all. If you've ever commented on this blog, you're on the list. If you've ever read this blog, you're there. Have you commented on one of my FaceBook statuses? Then I list you, as well. Ever left a prayer on my voicemail because I've been on your mind? You know you're on the list. And the list is so much longer than the people who fall into those categories. I am loved, but more importantly, I LOVE. And that's what truly keeps me going. Keeps me smiling. Keeps me breathing.

When I'm With You I'm Not So Lonely,
~The Dreamer

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Reasons My Job Search Sucks!

Dear Readers,

In no particular order...

  • There's nothing like filling out the "Special Skills and Achievements" section of an application to make you realize that you have none.
  • We found at least 2 places today that had signs posted exclaiming "Now Hiring!" or "Join Our Team!" and directing us to the company website. When you visit the site you are informed that there are no positions available within 100 miles, and if you choose to fill out an application anyway (to be considered when a position opens) you get a rejection email within seconds of hitting the "Submit" button.
  • I find these personality assessment quizzes ridiculous! Either they ask you the same 5 or 6 questions over and over again for an hour (sometimes worded differently, sometimes not) or they are blatantly accusatory and hostile. I actually had one question ask me "How much have you taken from a job, other than basic office supplies?" and then give me a multiple choice! Seriously?!?
  • Why isn't there a generic job application that you can fill out once, photocopy and then turn in? They all ask the same damn questions and have the same damn disclaimers. Why do I have to get writer's cramp and chip my nail polish filling these things out? Why do I even bother making up a resume? No one ever reads it anyway.
  • No one is hiring! And the places that are have such a deep pool of applicants to pull from that I never even have a chance.
Yeah, that's the list ... for now. My brain has turned to mush and sitting here trying to think of things is just pissing me off all over again.

Destitute and Desperate,
~Your Lonely Dreamer

Saturday, October 2, 2010

To Thine Ownself Be True

Dear Readers,

On Wednesday night I got to go see Hamlet by Mr. William Shakespeare with my awesome roommate Angela. This is one of the things I love about having a theater major as a roommate. As a theater major it's required that the students see a certain number of plays throughout the semester, and sometimes even specific ones. So this week Angela had to go see Hamlet at the Pioneer Memorial Theater and since she gets student priced tickets it was actually affordable!

For a Shakespeare lover, I've read surprisingly few of his plays. Mostly I've just read the ones I've performed in. I knew the story of Hamlet going in, but had never read or seen the play before. I had always wondered how anyone could realistically portray the character of Hamlet. He has such incredible depth, and such a range of emotion in such a short time. Kenneth Branagh did an amazing job on film, but film is so very different from the stage.

The actor playing Hamlet at PMT was phenomenal! I actually almost cried during the curtain call. And Ophelia? Outstanding! I never realized that Polonius was a comic character. I never realized that some of the phrases I've grown up with are actually lines from this play! "To thine ownself be true" is the one coming to mind currently. I wish I could remember more to write about, but I was so entranced for the entire 3 hours that it's all a haze of emotion. Plus, we went on Wednesday and I've slept a lot since then.

I would tell you all to get in your cars and go see it right now, but tonight was sadly the last performance. Oh, and another thing. The exit signs there are purple! Yes, purple! That makes me happy.

Focusing on the positive in order to stay alive,
Your Lonely Dreamer