Meow

Dear Readers,

Once again I have been remiss in my blogging. And so, here we go.

A while back I talked about getting approved for a new apartment. Before then we had been living with K and S, who had asked us to leave our pets somewhere else while we were there. My roommate Megan owned 3 birds and a cat and her parents were gracious enough to pet-sit for us until we got a new place of our own.

This is Wicket. She was our darling. She was mainly an indoor cat, with occasional afternoons spent outside. When Mom and Dad Willis decided to keep her for us they planned to keep her indoors. One day, she snuck out and was struck by a car. 2 weeks before we moved into our apartment. Megan had already requested the time off from work to make the 11.5 hour drive to pick her and the birds up and bring them home. We were devastated.

This is Kindle. We adopted her from the Humane Society not long after we lost Wicket. Our good friend Joanna was awesome enough to cat sit for us until the move was complete. At the Society she seemed like such a sweet, darling little kitty. Full of love and cuddles. When we got her home she turned into psycho kitty! She thought she was starving to death all the time and ate everything in sight. Honestly, Megan's plant that she rescued and nurtured back to life became dinner at one point. Recently she's mellowed out, though. And she actually uses the pet bed and the scratcher that Wicket scorned.

And so we've lived in our apartment since November 1st. It's small and kinda old, but it's ours. For Thanksgiving Mom and Dad Willis drove up with 2 of the Willis brothers and the nieces. But we'll save that for the next post, shall we?

In memoriam,

Your Lonely Dreamer

Know When To Cry

Dear Readers,

If you know me, you know that I cry easily. Very easily. I cry when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm angry, when I'm sick, when I hurt. I cry at TV shows weekly and when I hear certain songs.

Here's a poem I wrote when I was 16 on this subject.

Know When To Cry

Even a warrior
Knows when to cry
Don't ever assume
Their eyes always stay dry
All the pressures put weight
On the heart of a man
For some there's a point
When they've done all they can
There's always a time
To sit down and cry
When you've had enough yelling
Or seen a friend die
Tears can be cleansing
And not as bad as you think
Weeping doesn't mean
That your soul has gone weak
So think of the warrior
When you can no longer be strong
Remember that crying
Is not always wrong.

12-24-99

With dry eyes (for now),
~Your Lonely Dreamer

Things I Love About Utah #3

Dear Readers,

Never in my life have I lived in a place with so much snow! Cedar City had snow, but I don't remember it being like this. It's beautiful! It's important to me to remember to stop and find things in everyday that make me happy to be where and who I am. Things have been difficult the last several years, but I can't dwell on the negativity. If I do, I'll just wallow in depression. Instead, I have to keep marching forward and find ways to make myself happy.

I know I'm behind on my blogging, and I'm sorry. I have pics to post from Thanksgiving and Christmas. I have poetry that I know some of you say you want to read. Wednesday is a free day for me, except for taking kitty to the doctor's, laundry, and trying to sell some of the crap I have lying around here. (Haha, doesn't sound like such a free day when I put it that way.) I'll try to post on Wednesday. But thanks for sticking with me, readers.

~ Your Cold and Lonely Dreamer

A Poem of a Post

Dear Readers,

In a previous post, I mentioned the possibility of posting some of my old poetry here if you were interested. I had one or two requests that I do so, and so here we go. In my junior year of high school I was inducted into the National Honor Society. As part of the induction ceremony we had to compose something that said a bit about who we were. Being the poet I was, it was natural for me to write a poem. So, here's an idea of who I was when I was 16.

Me
At six a.m. I'm on my way,
It's the start of another day,
Band, geometry, physics to do,
Phys. Ed, english, and history, too,
Lunch is an hour of calmness and rest,
Unless I have homework, then it's all stress.

After the bell, I've got places to go,
Practices, meetings, and all that you know,
Leave campus at six, maybe even seven o'clock,
Smelling of sweat and blackboard chalk,
An hour or three with homework and friends,
Then on to bed, and do it all again.

But below this entire, hectic day,
My real feelings are there, kept at bay,
My soul is a deep and flowing sea,
Not many people know the real and true me,
But, you see, there are those who do,
They are the ones that I know, too.

They know my soul, gentle and kind,
They know how to reach the depths of my mind,
They know my courage and silent strength,
The beliefs and morals I can discuss at length,
The changes and hardships I've been through,
And how it hardly ever makes me blue.

How I can sit for hours and just think,
And all the while I almost never blink,
They know that I can be a ditz,
And just how my brain goes on the blitz,
They know my devotion to all that I do,
My writing, my music, my religion, too.

All of this is rolled into one,
The worries, the fears, and mostly the fun,
Mostly I laugh, sometimes I cry,
Right now I am living, one day I will die,
Rebecca is a person in a life full of love,
That maybe one day you'll be part of.




Riviting, right?
~Your Lonely Dreamer

Things I Love About Utah #2

Dear Readers,

In Phoenix it's very rare to be amazed and awed by the changing colors that we all associate with fall. Here, the very opposite is true. My roommates are getting very tired of hearing me exclaim about the beautiful fall foliage. (My 'f'' is sticking on my keyboard, so that last part was difficult to type!) I got so excited about actually seeing red, yellow and orange on the trees that I started taking pictures and thought I'd share them with you all. :)

Yours,
~The Lonely Dreamer

With This Ring...

Dear Readers,

It amazes me how much a material possession can mean to a person. How much history and emotion can be stored in a tiny circle of metal and stone. When it was given to me it was symbol of love and a promise of forever. It was proof that I was good enough. That after years of waiting it had finally been decided that I was good enough for forever. And my dreams were coming true.

And then it became a reminder of the lies. Of the pain. Of the broken promises. It was a circle of bad memory that sat in drawers and boxes and haunted me. I knew that I needed to get rid of it. And when things got tough I resolved every time to sell it. And sabotaged every single attempt. Slept too late or ran out of time. Posted it online and left out key information so that no one would inquire about it. Yesterday I actually made it all the way into a pawn shop. Telling myself that I was finally getting rid of it. But not unless I could get at least half its original cost. Once again making it impossible to be rid of it.

Until I gave up. I broke down in tears in the middle of the pawn shop and sold it. And cried. For longer than I should have. And then went and bought myself lunch. Filled my car up with gas. Tomorrow I plan to get the oil changed in my car and buy some groceries.

That's what that piece of metal and stone means now. It's help out of a desperate situation. It's a way to and from work, a way to see my friends. A way to feed myself.

And somehow the memory of the haunting is still haunting me.

Feeling emotionally torn,
Your Lonely Dreamer

Today My Life Is Awesome!

Dear Readers,

I realized the other day that I had figured out a way to both love my life and hate it at the same time. And then my friend Jack pointed out that I always seem so sad on my blogs. Well, today has been a great day, so I thought I'd write and tell you about it.

As you may know, I've been really struggling with my finances. Since moving to Utah the only job I had been able to get was part-time at Bath and Body Works. I love this job, and I'm good at it. But part-time at barely over minimum wage is not even close to being enough to pay all of my bills. So I've been trying, unsuccessfully, to find a second job. And then to top it all off, we were asked to leave our place of residence. So not only was I looking for a job, but I was worrying about finding one that paid enough to be able to make rent. And actually getting accepted for an apartment on my meager wages. My beautiful roommate Megan came home the other day and told me that they were hiring at her job at Dollar Tree. She brought me an application, so I filled it out and turned it in. I got a call yesterday, and they hired me on the spot. And so job #2 is secure, at least for now. It may not be glamorous, but it's money in the bank. I'm listed as a temporary employee, but that is subject to change. While I was at work today Megan and my other roomie (Megan's sis) Angela went and turned in our applications for our apartment. And thanks to their amazing mother, who agreed to co-sign for us, we were approved! My two jobs combined still won't be enough for me to live comfortably, but it'll be quite a bit better.

But even through the stresses of finding housing and work, which made me hate life, I had my friends. Honestly, this is what makes me love my life.

My roommates are two of the best people I have ever known. They've been with me through these tough times, and many others, and have never turned their backs.

Since moving to Utah I have been able to spend a lot more time with my beautiful and amazing friend, Joanna. We don't get to see each other as often as we would like, since we still live about an hour away from one another and life gets in the way. But I've seen her more in the last three months than I had in the three years previous. It's like feeling a piece of my soul returned home.

And yet, pieces are still out there in the world. I talk to my oldest (as in "known the longest" not "older than dirt") best friend almost every day online. Sometimes it's like we could just run next door and borrow a cup of sugar from each other.

I've made new friends already here, and they give me something to look forward to every week. Not only because I get to sit and watch Glee as it actually airs, but because I get to spend time with Jack, Brian, Mesun, Wendy, and all the other Gleeks who show up on Tuesday. A big thanks goes out to those guys for letting me into your lives. You're awesome!

And I have so many other friends that love and care about me, and that I love and care about that I could sit here and type for hours and not list them all. If you've ever commented on this blog, you're on the list. If you've ever read this blog, you're there. Have you commented on one of my FaceBook statuses? Then I list you, as well. Ever left a prayer on my voicemail because I've been on your mind? You know you're on the list. And the list is so much longer than the people who fall into those categories. I am loved, but more importantly, I LOVE. And that's what truly keeps me going. Keeps me smiling. Keeps me breathing.

When I'm With You I'm Not So Lonely,
~The Dreamer