With This Ring...

Dear Readers,

It amazes me how much a material possession can mean to a person. How much history and emotion can be stored in a tiny circle of metal and stone. When it was given to me it was symbol of love and a promise of forever. It was proof that I was good enough. That after years of waiting it had finally been decided that I was good enough for forever. And my dreams were coming true.

And then it became a reminder of the lies. Of the pain. Of the broken promises. It was a circle of bad memory that sat in drawers and boxes and haunted me. I knew that I needed to get rid of it. And when things got tough I resolved every time to sell it. And sabotaged every single attempt. Slept too late or ran out of time. Posted it online and left out key information so that no one would inquire about it. Yesterday I actually made it all the way into a pawn shop. Telling myself that I was finally getting rid of it. But not unless I could get at least half its original cost. Once again making it impossible to be rid of it.

Until I gave up. I broke down in tears in the middle of the pawn shop and sold it. And cried. For longer than I should have. And then went and bought myself lunch. Filled my car up with gas. Tomorrow I plan to get the oil changed in my car and buy some groceries.

That's what that piece of metal and stone means now. It's help out of a desperate situation. It's a way to and from work, a way to see my friends. A way to feed myself.

And somehow the memory of the haunting is still haunting me.

Feeling emotionally torn,
Your Lonely Dreamer

Reasons My Job Search Sucks!

Dear Readers,

In no particular order...

• There's nothing like filling out the "Special Skills and Achievements" section of an application to make you realize that you have none.
• We found at least 2 places today that had signs posted exclaiming "Now Hiring!" or "Join Our Team!" and directing us to the company website. When you visit the site you are informed that there are no positions available within 100 miles, and if you choose to fill out an application anyway (to be considered when a position opens) you get a rejection email within seconds of hitting the "Submit" button.
• I find these personality assessment quizzes ridiculous! Either they ask you the same 5 or 6 questions over and over again for an hour (sometimes worded differently, sometimes not) or they are blatantly accusatory and hostile. I actually had one question ask me "How much have you taken from a job, other than basic office supplies?" and then give me a multiple choice! Seriously?!?
• Why isn't there a generic job application that you can fill out once, photocopy and then turn in? They all ask the same damn questions and have the same damn disclaimers. Why do I have to get writer's cramp and chip my nail polish filling these things out? Why do I even bother making up a resume? No one ever reads it anyway.
• No one is hiring! And the places that are have such a deep pool of applicants to pull from that I never even have a chance.

Yeah, that's the list ... for now. My brain has turned to mush and sitting here trying to think of things is just pissing me off all over again.

Destitute and Desperate,
~Your Lonely Dreamer

Why This Week Has Not Rocked...

Dear Readers,


If you remember, my last post was all about how excited I was to be able to watch my TV shows that have come back this week. That plan turned into an epic fail. You see...


We live with K and S, who are the aunt and uncle of my beautiful roommates. K works from home, and needs the internet to do so. He discovered that our network was interfering with his network (since they're hooked up to the same internet) and so he cut us off. We have no internet. I'm losing my effing mind!!


I've been unable to watch my shows. Thank goodness for Hulu keeping them queued up for me. I've been unable to look for and apply for work. I haven't been able to check Facebook or the news. No random 'internet ninja' searches. My computer has actually been turned off for 24 hours. Right now I'm at a friend's house who is kind enough to let me sign on to her network so that I can catch up with the world. I've missed you!


~Your Lonely Dreamer